"After inside upheavals, it is important to fix on imperturbable things. Their imperturbableness, their air that nothing has happened renews our guarantee. Pictures would not be hung plumb over the centres of fireplaces or wallpapers posted with such precisions that their seams make no break in the pattern if life were really not possible to adjudicate for. These things are what we mean when we speak of civilisation; they remind us how exceedingly seldom the unseemly or unforeseeable rears its head. In this sense, the destruction of buildings and furniture is more palpably dreadful to the spirit than the destruction of human life. Appalling as the talk with Daphne had been, it had not been so finally fatal, when you looked back at it, as an earthquake or a dropped bomb. Had the gas stove blown up when Portia lit it, blowing this nice room into smithereens, it would have been worse than Portia's being called spying common. Though what she had said had apparently been dreadful, it had done less harm than a bombardment from the sea. Only outside disaster is irreparable. At least, there would be dinner at any minutes; at least she could wash her hands in Vinolia soap."
-from elizabeth bowen's the death of the heart

...today i ate a whole cornish game hen with my fingers & it was delicious.
merry christmas!

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY

how can i make the world a better place?

after nearly an entire summer of working in a restaurant, i am still surprised when people are mean to me.

i hope i'm always surprised.

    i had a good day, today, despite the underlying worry-scurry. i worked up at the bar, today, & one of the Really Important Customers was there, sitting alone, chatting to Jay [the bartender, on whom i have a ginormous old-man-crush] & i. this Really Important Customer is English of the Upper Class variety. the snobbery in his voice makes me want to punch him in the nose, but then i remember he can't help it, anymore than i can help lapsing into girlish teenage slang. anyway, he spoke to me in german & called me schatzie, schatzie which is adorable. anyway, his wife just passed away & he showed me a picture of her & i could tell he was so lonely. he talked about maids & travelling & giving money to this & that but really, he is so lonely. no wonder he sat in an empty bar, with jay & i, drinking glass after of merlot. he just wanted to talk to someone.
    i ran on home, got dressed into my brand new vintage bathing suit from the twenties & went to get toby & kinders. we wandered around the fair days, dressed in our finery & collecting catcalls accordingly. we ran into everyone- popoki & sean m. walsh & mark & rew & sarah & kelsey & derek & becky & max & derek & david & tom & mackenzie & rachel- people people, it was lovely to see them all. max gave me a balloon, mark helped me pick out a string of fake pearls [someday, someday, i will have my own real ones. someday]. kettle corn & lemonade! i bought a claddagh ring, like i've always wanted [right hand, crown out, for those interested parties. not looking] & also, toby helped me to buy the most beautiful red felt hat i've seen in my life. it's midnight now & i'm still wearing it.
    there was a lightning bug in my room late last night, & in my groggy state i thought it was a fairy. i caught it- barely, & brought him outside. it was a merry chase, though.
    i felt more like myself today than i have in a long time. i've been spending too long reading & sleeping. i've been so tired, & i've felt like being quiet & too sleepy to go out. but today, i went out for a long time, & it was sunny, & i saw friends, & i was happy.

"That shirt looks good on you, but it would look even better stuffed into the neck of a vodka bottle and flung burning through our office building's window.  Let's fucking do it and never look back."
-randall munroe, xkcd